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February 18, 2010

So often, I find that with so much that I need to do combined with all the things I want to do, I lose focus. It’s not the earth shattering loss of focus, nor is it the kind that  I forget to bring my kids home from the store or lock them in the car (although I may have done that once or twice in their lives). It is more of a forgetfulness. It is a forgetfulness to remember whose strength that I should be relying upon. It is certainly not mine! I am sure that with each child brain cells left me and went to them. My memory once sharp as a tack, is now a bit dusty and shows some signs of wear. It is not significant, but definitely noticeable for me. I also find with the responsibilities and busyness of life I find questions and situations that need to be handled coming to me a warp speed. It is interesting that when I take these things and internalize the stresses of life, I find myself overwhelmed…shh…don’t tell anyone I said this, and second guessing myself.

Last night, I went to bed with a resounding confirmation in my head and a comfort in my spirit that because I am a child of the Living God…I don’t need to be concerned about these things. I simply need to follow the plan! HIS plan, for my life, not man’s plan or even my plan. Often I find myself standing out feeling different, like I am on an wooded island in the middle of a sea…and there boats all around me but I can’t get to any of them. (It reminds me of the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks only he could not see boats and he talked to a soccer ball, my soccer ball is GOD.)  I am not sure whether they can’t get to me or I can’t get to them, but I am there just standing. I realize now, because I am not meant to get in or “fit in”.  Conformity to some preset expectation or plan should never be something that I strive for.Nor is it something that I want to emulate to my children. We are all made in HIS image, yet with distinctively different gifts, values, desires, tastes, and appearances. These are things to be celebrated not challenged by.  I realize now that by trying to get on a boat that HE did not make to carry me is a waste of time and definitely an indication that I am not appreciating my own uniqueness.

That is why I am on that island. It is mine. It is a place that could be a refuge instead of a challenge. Me Ra Koh is writing now from her island refuge in Thailand. The images are beautiful. My island just happens to be in my mind and isn’t that the best place.  I have the opportunity with my FATHER’s help to make it as beautiful as I desire. My island experiences are the times when I am supposed to TRUST in my God, as his word says in Proverbs 3:5-6 and he will direct my path.

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